"I want you. I know I’m a mess but I want you," she says. "I want to see you every morning, and I want to make you a snack every night. And eventually I want to have your little brown babies, and I want to watch you die."
Charlie sighs, “That’s all I ever wanted to hear.”
It’s really funny to think of where you were and where you are now; where you’ll be and if it’ll ever be the same. Maybe it doesn’t need to be the same and maybe it’s better off that way. The little things you hold on to- the things you swear you can’t live without. Things are just things and things are replaceable.
Love the life you live. Everything falls in to place,
I grew up having other people make decisions for me and I’ve always relied on other people to depend on; all the while, rebelling whenever I could for no real reason at all- maybe to test my own limits and see how strong and independent I can be. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never been my own person. Even now, I’m still as indecisive and lost as I’ve ever been. I find myself running in circles, trying to find myself… as repetitive as that sounds. I’m finding it so incredibly hard to be strong for myself, with no one to impress but myself.
There’s things I know I’m capable of and there’s things I pretend to be capable of. More often than not, I get the line between the two gets a little blurry and I end up spiraling back to square one.
But I am capable.
And I am strong.
And though I am not fond of time and how it taunts me, I’ve got all the time in the world.
I just have to remember that I’m doing this for me. Me and only me.
Sometimes, when I am at my wit’s end, I find that I am the only one to blame. I spend far too much time in the deepest depths of my brain, alone with my thoughts, and more often than not I can’t pull myself back out. I ambush myself with all of my worries and what ifs and I don’t pay enough mind to what’s in front of me.
I wish I could be as strong as the front that I put up.
Today, among every other day but most importantly today, I owe it to myself to turn the other cheek and smile. I knew it would come, eventually; it was inevitable. I knew it would hurt. I knew it would hurt like hell. Being sad and feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to fix anything.
So what I’ll try to do is be happy. I’ll take into consideration everything else in my life that I cherish, however limited those things may be. At least they’re there.
I’ll try and I’ll get through it, just like I know I can.
Enough is enough. If I had always listened to my gut instincts then I would never be in the position that I am in now. I need to conquer this mole hill because that’s all it is and that’s all it ever will be.
I’m on track to reinventing myself; putting aside what I feel everyone else expects of me and putting myself first. I just can’t be so careless anymore. I need to re-establish faith in myself to be able to accomplish what I need to and stick to my priorities. I can’t depend on anyone else this time. It may be a painfully slow, uphill battle but it’s what I need to do and it’s about damn time.
I am so grateful to the people I have in my life right now, who genuinely care about me. The people who actively make sure that I’m okay and even if I’m not, they’re there to make sure I’m not okay… with company. Whether it be temporary, because who knows who you can trust and depend on anymore, or not… I’m so glad I am not alone.
People are full of surprises. People you’ve devoted so much of yourself and your time into can disappear within seconds and people you’ve barely just met will hold your hand and cry with you until you’re out of tears.
I always wonder why I put myself through what I do. I think that if I weren’t so indecisive and actually knew what I wanted, I wouldn’t find myself in these kinds of situations. Part of me seeks out these problems only to have something to fix. Maybe it is because I can never settle for consistency.
I’ve got some crazy belief that every moment that I am living should be lived. Everything should be exciting and momentous. Otherwise, you are spending your own time wasting it all away. I don’t think it’s very difficult to appreciate the little things in life and treat every second as an adventure. I don’t think it’s very difficult to embrace those who are important to you, in your life, like they are all that you’ve got.
If I were like you, I could just simply want nothing and expect nothing. In that case, I would never be disappointed. I would feel nothing.
If there’s anything that I have learned from my mother, it would have to be… being cautious. Always question everything and always consider the “what if”s. This is why I don’t know how to ride a bike or how to swim.
Can’t live and appreciate your life if you’re always scared. You’ll never get your money’s worth, so to speak, if you’re always expecting the worst. What kind of a life will you have if you always settle for what’s “safe”?