“I want you. I know I’m a mess but I want you,” she says. “I want to see you every morning, and I want to make you a snack every night. And eventually I want to have your little brown babies, and I want to watch you die.”
Charlie sighs, “That’s all I ever wanted to hear.”
Girls - Together (S2E10)
It’s really funny to think of where you were and where you are now; where you’ll be and if it’ll ever be the same. Maybe it doesn’t need to be the same and maybe it’s better off that way. The little things you hold on to- the things you swear you can’t live without. Things are just things and things are replaceable.
Love the life you live.
Everything falls in to place,
eventually.
I grew up having other people make decisions for me and I’ve always relied on other people to depend on; all the while, rebelling whenever I could for no real reason at all- maybe to test my own limits and see how strong and independent I can be. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never been my own person. Even now, I’m still as indecisive and lost as I’ve ever been. I find myself running in circles, trying to find myself… as repetitive as that sounds. I’m finding it so incredibly hard to be strong for myself, with no one to impress but myself.
There’s things I know I’m capable of and there’s things I pretend to be capable of. More often than not, I get the line between the two gets a little blurry and I end up spiraling back to square one.
But I am capable.
And I am strong.
And though I am not fond of time and how it taunts me, I’ve got all the time in the world.
I just have to remember that I’m doing this for me. Me and only me.
Because I deserve it.
Sometimes, when I am at my wit’s end, I find that I am the only one to blame. I spend far too much time in the deepest depths of my brain, alone with my thoughts, and more often than not I can’t pull myself back out. I ambush myself with all of my worries and what ifs and I don’t pay enough mind to what’s in front of me.
I wish I could be as strong as the front that I put up.
I just want to wash all of my worries away; be happy and mean it.
Be hopeful and stay positive.
Today, among every other day but most importantly today, I owe it to myself to turn the other cheek and smile. I knew it would come, eventually; it was inevitable. I knew it would hurt. I knew it would hurt like hell. Being sad and feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to fix anything.
So what I’ll try to do is be happy. I’ll take into consideration everything else in my life that I cherish, however limited those things may be. At least they’re there.
I’ll try
and I’ll get through it, just like I know I can.
I don’t want to live my life with any regrets.
And I wont.
Just try and stop me now. I’m destined for greatness!
Enough is enough. If I had always listened to my gut instincts then I would never be in the position that I am in now. I need to conquer this mole hill because that’s all it is and that’s all it ever will be.
If I only knew where to start.
